Ummmm, I'm feeling like a fifth wheel...

So yeah, exactly as it says in the title.
I went online today and I started talking to few of my friends and.... Nobody replied...
It made me feel like I'm carying around some disease and people are afraid that I'll pass it on to them by AIM...
It feels really bad when you talk to people you like a lot and they're like "whatever" it kind of hurts too...

Oh yeah, I'm going for my first HIV testing tomorrow and even tho I know I'm negative it still freaks me out a little...

Henry Gale's Balloon?

Well, some very interesting photo appeared online recently. I gotta say it's only interesting to all the LOST fans out there like me.
Could it be Henry Gale's Balloon? Or maybe he stumbled upon it while he was in the jungle and just came up with the story he told our losties.
The interesting fact is that the balloon in the picture fits perfectly to Henry Gale's description, and there must be something to it since all the LOST fansites that posted this image are getting shut down overnight.
So yeah, there's something to ponder while we wait for the next episode of the show...

What's up with the world???

Gay people seem to find a partner almost everywhere and under most difficult circumstances but most of the time it's not about feelings. It's just about getting your cock sucked, just a quickie, no love, no feeling of belonging together, no strings attached.
Unfortunately that's not what I'm looking for. Why is it that every time I meet somebody interesting either online or in some public place, after five minutes of conversation they tell me that I'm beautiful and that they want to fuck me? It's always right in that moment when you think "Oh God, that's Mr. Perfect!" and then, after few short words all the magic is gone and you know it's just another guy who's desperately looking for a hole to stick his dick in.
I know I sound naive, but I seriously think that there is more to life than just sex, yet we all pursue sexual gratification not paying attention to all the beautiful things around us. Sex became the opium of 21 century, destroying lives and relationships all around the world and most of us become addicted to it to the point where we just have to score and shoot our load at least once a day.
I've had some one night stands but I never became addicted to it because for me sex is not just a fuck, it's a lot more.
I've never gotten real satisfaction with a one night stand, it always felt so cold and meaningless to me.
Guys, you should really try having sex with someone you really love, the world would be a better place, there would probably be a whole lot less HIV infections, and you would definitely enjoy it way more than a one night stand.
Having sex with a person you love is different from a one night stand on so many levels. One night stands are an act of selfishness, where it's all about you. Having sex with a person you love is an act of sharing your happiness, trying to satisfy one another, not just yourself.
You might call me an idiot, but I'm just sick of meaningless sex all around me.

Is it cancer???

On Wednesday night/Thursday morning I was talking with my boyfriend on Skype, we finally had time to talk more than twenty minutes so it got us really happy. I finally believed him that he's working for the polish government (after being interrupted by phone calls every two minutes) and realized that it all isn't a fairy tale after all.
well, we started fooling around online and he really turned me on.
I started touching myself, getting ready for some online fun when I realized that I have some kind of a bump on my right testicle, I got turned off momentarily, I told him to hold on for a second and I started inspecting my right nut.
Yes, it was there, a lump about 0.3cm in diameter, it was pretty hard in touch and kind of big.
At that moment I got a flashback from "Queer as Folk" when Brian Kinney finds out he has a testicular cancer, it got me really freaked out.
I couldn't fall asleep for the rest of the night, thinking... "What if it's cancer?"
I don't know
I'm kind of o.k. with it today, because I realize that it's not the end of the world and I don't even know for sure what it is, so I'm about to shchedule my appointment with my family doctor on Monday and if it's possible with Urologyst on Wednesday, so I'll find out for sure.
What I know for now is that even if my testicle is going to be removed;
a) I can still have kids with one testicle if I somehow turn out to be straight ( impossible I'd say)
b) It's not going to affect my sex life
c) I get a fake testicle in the place of the one that had to be removed, and I get to choose the size of it :) lol
Maybe i should let them remove both of them and get big, fake cojones? that would be kind of hot...

But seriously, I'm still little bit affraid of going to the doctor and God, I just hope he's not gonna examinate my prostate "just in case"
I don't want anybody to stick their fingers up my ass without my permission...

P.S. I checked today, and the bump is still there.... does anybody think it might go away by itself???

Swimming against the current...

Well, only a few days went by since my last (and at the same time; first) entry and so much changed.
My boyfriend went to Ukraine on a very long business trip (he's staying there till January), so now there is seven hour difference between us which makes it even more complicated to communicate. And considering that internet is practically nonexistent in that part of the world we have only cellphones land really expensive sattelite internet access left to communicate.
On friday I went to the Greenwich Village in NYC with my friend to grab some sushi and have some fun.
I had a lot of fun there but... I spent almost my whole paycheck and now I'm unable to pay for my phone bill, so it's gonna get disconnected any day now... hehe, thats fun.
I was an hour late to work on sunday because my alarm clock didn't go off, which practically made my boss rip my head out.
Today is monday and i was late to work half an hour but it wasn't really my fault, you see, I was babysitting my sisters kids and my mom was supposed to get out of work before 2:00p.m. to take over. Well, she didn't, she called me twenty minutes to two that she can't get out and I'll have to bring the kids to her. So I had to get them dressed, brush Victoriass hair and clean up all the mess they made.
My boss yelled at me again and wouldn't let me explain what really happened, so I was about to quit my job but when I realized that I need the money to pay for my phone bill i decided to keep my mouth shut.
I'm gonna quit next week.
I got home, I started talking with my best friend about what happened at work
She said that my boss was right to yell at me!
I hung up on her
My best friend turned her back on me. I mean she might have been right but I couldn't help being late, it wasn't my fault.

few days ago i had a little talk with my friend about shaving genital and other areas of the body. I hate doing it because I always get razor burns and cuts. My friend told me that he uses Nair to get rid of all the unwanted hair in all areas of this body
"even on your ass and balls"- I asked
"yeah, it works great"
"But on the bottle it says not to use it in those areas"
"well, thats bullshit. Nothing happened to me"
So I listened to him
I went to Rite Aid
I got Nair
I applied it to my balls, armpits and other parts of my body
Now I can hardly walk.
I am gonna kill that fucker!
My balls are burned
My butt cheeks are burned
My asshole is burned
My armpits are burned
And i still had to shave it all with a razor, because it's done nothing to the hair.
It just seems that the whole world has turned around on me and i have to swimm against the current.


Hey! At least I learned not to use Nair on my cojones.
:)

Sand In My Shoes, Confusion In My Head...

Well, here I go! My First Blogging experience.
To Tell you the truth I've wanted to find out what's all the fuss about ever since I first heard the name "Blog"
So let me get started.
I Live In a medium sized city called Elizabeth which is a shit hole really. There is like literally no life going on.. Well, there is some kind of life going on but it's mostly centered on belonging to some gang and doing lots of drugs.
There is no places you could hang out with your friendson the evenings, and there is totally no places where two gay guys could hang out together without getting nasty looks from other people.
I came here from Poland four years ago and I fuckin' HATE United States!
I'm gay and I live in a Homophobic family which doesn't make it any better and on top of that my boyfriend lives a few thousand miles away..
Sucks, doesn't it?
Well, It's not really THAT bad, and I'm actually getting used to it.
I got a boring job. I was supposed to start college in September but I've decided to take some time off and rest. And I've got a whole bunch of great friends!

So today I was waken up by a call from my friend Iwona who just got out of classes at her university and was coming home. Twenty minutes later I was sitting in her kitchen, having coffee and breakfast, talking about our boyfriends and some other stuff. U know, one of those girly talks over breakfast.
I left her house after 2:15p.m. and as I was walking slowly towards my condo I realized I should have my whole life planned out already. I mean, I'm 19, almost 20 and I still have no idea what the hell am I supposed to do with my life! It's really scary, but at least I know that whatever happens with my life, it'll happen somewhere in Europe because I'm definetely not staying in the US for good.